Tag: parenting

Remtana – my view

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This is part seven of the Remembering Montana series of posts reflecting on my family’s three weeks on a small Montana ranch in the fall of 2018. Some reflections are recently written, but this post came from those I shared with social media while we were at the ranch. Scroll down then navigate back to read previous posts.

Day 9, September 28:

It’s Friday evening and hubby has completed his first full week of working remotely. His metrics were as good or better than what he normally accomplishes at the office. He also managed to muck the horse stalls, stay on top of our laundry, help me keep our temporary home clean, play an occasional game of ping pong with his son, and also eat lunch with the family each day.

Freedom. We live in an amazing time where if you’re a little scrappy, you can have the most spectacular adventures! The sharing economy affords us many ways to escape the mundane but it requires some resourcefulness, sacrifice, and a daring spirit. It’s not the life for everyone, but freedom is a value I hold dear, and typing this post, sitting on this patio and watching the light play on the distant mountains, the chill wind nipping a little too cold, a glass of cheap, red wine on this rusted metal patio table–well, it makes me feel alive…and free. Sweet, delicious freedom.

Spring of 2014, I informed the school where I was teaching that I would not be renewing my teaching contract for the fall. I set out to be an entrepreneur, not really knowing what that meant. I’ve made some money over the last 4.5 years, but not nearly as much as I’d hoped. Mostly, I’ve been on a journey of discovering–remembering, really–who I am and what it means to be authentic…and free. I can no longer imagine myself showing up to a career on Monday morning. Not that I mind work–I love work that feels meaningful. In fact, I’m often accused of working too much (for too little financial gain) but not at what most would consider a respectable career. In fact, I’m looking at some part-time, location-independent gigs to financially contribute to my family. Whatever it takes to keep my freedom.


I’m so grateful for a husband who’s willing to indulge my less than conventional lifestyle, for my sometimes reluctant kiddos who think I’m a little crazy, for books like Tim Ferris’s Four Hour Work Week (give it a read if you want to create location independence) for location independence, for unschoolers who’ve gone before and blazed a trail, for sites like trustedhousesitters.com and the strangers who trust other strangers with their precious pets and belongings–I love the way these sites are facilitating connections between like-minded souls and making the world smaller and more accessible. And I’m grateful for freedom…and for my view. 😉

Remtana – Living the Dream

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This is part six of the Remembering Montana series of posts reflecting on my family’s three weeks on a small Montana ranch in the fall of 2018. Some reflections are recently written, but this short post focusing on my daughter came from those I shared with social media while we were at the ranch. Scroll down then navigate back to read previous posts.

Day 8 (September 27, 2018):

The girl is 14 and demonstrating much of a typical 14 yo’s individuation process. In fact, she often fantasizes about living alone and whenever she has our home to herself, she calls it, “living the dream.” She inspired our move this year from the traditional classroom to the world as our classroom (a long story for another day.) Funny, since she’s not a big fan of travel–but she was intrigued by the idea of living with horses and when she found out she’d have her own “apartment”, she decided to embrace this current adventure.

Our second day here, she “moved” into the RV that Jane keeps on the property. It’s a cute little space complete with electricity, but no running water, a sofa, a swivel chair, and a small recliner. I’ve only popped in a few times and saw that she is keeping her temporary home quite tidy (a far cry from how she keeps her bedroom back in Boise.) I noticed the table had been arranged so that when she sits on one side, she can play the electronic keyboard she brought with her, and when she sits on the other side, she draws and paints the characters she’s forever depicting.

She visits us occasionally throughout the day–mostly for meals and to use the bathroom, but also to share some funny podcast with me or to practice on Jane’s piano that she was excited to discover when we arrived! She also visits the horses and donkeys, and rides along on grocery runs when she’s in the mood. I’m amazed that she has no fear traveling back and forth from the RV to the house in the dark, and often uses the bathroom without us even knowing she popped over in the night.

Last night, she even invited us out to her place for a movie (on my laptop.) I hadn’t had Jiffy Pop since I was a kid, I think! It was gross, but what is childhood without at least one Jiffy Pop experience?!  

Remtana – camping?

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This is part five of the Remembering Montana series of posts reflecting on my family’s three weeks on a small Montana ranch in the fall of 2018. Some reflections are recently written, but this short and sweet post came from those I posted to social media while we were at the ranch. Scroll down then navigate back to read previous posts.

Day 7 (September 26, 2018):

Sometimes it feels like we’re camping–especially when we want bacon for breakfast.

There were never vents installed in the kitchen. Are these a requirement for cooking meat? Seems reasonable. Jane is a vegetarian (transitioning into veganism) and clearly an avid animal-lover and advocate for sustainable living. She let me know early in our communications that we would not be able to cook meat inside the house because of the vent situation. Do I believe that’s the only reason? Maybe, because when I asked if we could bring something to cook meat outside, she said, “of course!”

Jane trains dogs and has written extensively about her methods. I’m not sure she realizes it, but she uses non-violent communication with all her “fur-kids”. Who knew that even animals respond to “dialogue” over rewards and punishments? I take great comfort in this new knowledge. And while Jane and I differ on certain sustainable living principles, she’s clearly a badass from whom I have lots to learn!

So, this is our set-up. Imagine us squatting around our single burner propane stove on this porch cooking (sustainably-raised 😉 ) meat. I love camping!

Remtana – Let’s get real.

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So far, this Montana adventure of ours sounds pretty idyllic, I imagine? A beautiful ranch with majestic horses, affectionate donkeys, a sustainably built home with beautiful views from the upstairs deck. Sweet deal, right?

This is part four of the Remembering Montana series of posts reflecting on my family’s three weeks on a small Montana ranch in the fall of 2018. Scroll down then navigate back to read previous posts.

This sweet deal was not all it was cracked up to be. It would be our first (and so far only) foray from the guest side of the Trusted Housesitters platform (we’ve had great success from the host side,) and while we knew it wouldn’t all be cake, this adventure had some pretty crazy components. 

This is a post outside of those I wrote and shared last year; I’ll include a few of these in this Remembering Montana series. Last year, I purposely left out some of the more trying aspects of our adventure for a variety of reasons. I’ll try to clearly distinguish between these reflections and the more social media-friendly posts I wrote and shared during our actual stay. (I have changed the names of our host and her animals.)

So…let’s get real:

Our host, Jane, had completely lost her hearing about ten years prior to our meeting her; I learned this detail after she and I had moved our communication from the housesitters platform to emails that grew longer with each exchange. It was soon evident how solitary her Montana life was, and she seemed a bit starved for quality human interaction.

I was surprised how easy it had been to get buy-in from the family on this adventure, and I’d nervously (but excitedly) agreed via email to take the sit after Jane’s reassurance that we could handle the chores though we had no experience with caring for horses. She and I set up a time to “chat” via Skype to talk about what the duties would entail.

It could hardly be called a conversation because while Jane’s able to speak clearly, I was limited to using the chat feature which only seemed to display the first sentence or two of my responses. Essentially, she’d talk for long stretches with me trying to communicate with facial expressions (ineffective for reasons you’ll discover in the next paragraph) and a few typed words here and there.  I also quickly deduced she was more comfortable communicating with her animals than with humans, and probably preferred their company. With that said, she seemed to like me and that turned into a pretty painful two hours with dawning realization of just how challenging this sit would be.

Jane had already had one sitter back out and she was up against the wire with a pretty big investment in her airfare. I had already promised we’d take the gig, and frankly, I thought the challenge would be good for my family and an excellent addition to our worldschooling adventures. Plus, I wanted to do something generous for this woman who seemed to be losing faith in humankind.

Once there, the extent of Jane’s communication deficits quickly became clear. She handed me an ipad to capture my voice, but it was constantly riddled with errors–really frustrating because of the high chance and risks of miscommunication. One would think that she’d adapt to her hearing deficit by depending on visual cues, right? Instead, she’d avert her eyes and talk until she was finished with her thoughts, which could trail on and on for many minutes, before she’d look my way indicating she was ready for a response. Then, once I started speaking into the ipad, she’d look away and start talking again which would mess up the recording.

The rest of my family quickly gave up trying to communicate with her, making me the designated mouthpiece. It was an exercise in patience and a good one at that. I definitely had lots of sympathy for her situation and respected her lifestyle and how she managed to run this ranch (I’ll do another reflection on Jane’s minimalist practices.) I had no choice but to quickly develop efficient ways to express my mind. I pretty much stuck to the necessities, which is not the way I typically communicate. If you’ve followed me for long you know I like to wax philosophical.

She left us the phone numbers of her two sons that she would be visiting (each in a different state,) and this would be the only way for us to contact her in an emergency. That emergency happened while the boy and I were away for three days in Helena on a little side adventure. Stay tuned for more on the emergency, and on the Helena side adventure…

Remtana: precious time

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Part three of the Remembering Montana series of posts. Scroll down then navigate back to read previous posts.

Day 6 (September 25, 2018):

Time has officially slowed down here. I love it. I have so many engaging things going on in my life that it often feels like time is flying by. At 49 years of age, that’s the last thing I want to happen! I also tend to spend lots of time in my head (in Strengthsfinder language, that’s called intellecting; in therapy, that’s called ruminating–I prefer the former 😉 ) Staying present and relishing each moment is effortful for me, but it’s my ongoing challenge.

We’ve gotten into the rhythm of the day here and the chores don’t take that long. Hubby is working remotely and our exploration of our beautiful surroundings is limited by Kiki’s potty breaks (discussed on Day 3.) I’m sharing my electronics with the boy–I know it seems a travesty to not just do away with them as much as possible, but I am traveling with teens and trying to strike a balance. Their schooled minds are less enthused by these adventures I insist on and I don’t want to turn them off completely. Plus I’m also trying to develop my skills–researching, capturing, writing, sharing–so staying electronically connected is important to me also.

With all that said, each day here passes more slowly than the last, and I’m loving the leisurely pace and all I can indulge in these long days: exploratory walks, bike rides, podcasts, naps… I brought the girl’s long-forgotten round loom with me and made my first cowl scarf, albeit riddled with mistakes, in only two days. Yummy, precious time. I’ll pamper myself with it while I’m here, roll around in it, wrap myself in it like a cozy blanket, knowing that this adventure will soon be behind me, and these lusciously long days, gone in a flash…

Remtana: Stinkers

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This is part two of the Remembering Montana series. Feel free to read the intro from yesterday to see how we found ourselves ranch-sitting in Montana for three weeks last fall (2018).

Day 5, (September 24, 2018):

Uh oh! The electric fence that keeps the horses from roaming freely does not contain the donkeys and they have free reign over the property. Wish I’d gotten a picture of these “stinkers” yesterday. I keep laughing when I remember the image.

So, Jane keeps these apple snacks for her horses in her gooseneck trailer next to the fenced area where we feed the horses. She said we could give each of the horses up to one apple snack a day, so yesterday after the boy and I fed them their grain, we got out a snack for each and treated the horses. We then went about our day…

Hours later, the girl and I were out petting the horses and I looked around and realized I couldn’t see the donkeys anywhere. I knew they might be on the other side of the barn or the gooseneck out of my view. I ran around the barn to go find them, and I saw asses. Actual donkey butts as their heads were inside the gooseneck, buried in the bag of apple snacks. My email conversation with Jane:

Me: A little incident that I hope isn’t too serious. Adam and I gave the horses each a treat this morning and must not have made sure the door was engaged. We caught Joe and Eddy in the apple snacks. It’s actually been quite windy and the door had blown open. I can’t remember how full the bag was but it looks to be a little over half full now. If they ate too many will it make them sick?

Jane: No worries. It was a brand new 20 lb. bag, so if you weigh the remains, we’ll know how much the stinkers got!

Remembering Montana

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Okay. I’m cheating a bit. But not really…

Feeling a bit buried in the work of a new job yet I’m only on Day 37 of a 60 day blog challenge. The only rule of the challenge: publish every day. I added the rule of publishing in this here blog–not just willy nilly on different social media platforms.

So in the interest of keeping a promise to myself, I’m going to continue to publish every day, damnit. To be efficient, though, I am going to reshare some of my writing from last year.

My family and I had quite an adventure last September (2018) when we agreed to “ranch”sit for an elderly deaf woman in Montana. We were there three weeks while she traveled to visit her sons and their families in other states. I posted to Facebook nearly daily and I’ve compiled the first three posts for you today to introduce the experience.

Finally getting around to posting:

We arrived two days ago after a stunning 7 hour drive mostly through our home state of Idaho. Thursday evening and yesterday, we trained up in the chores we’ll need to attend to as we care for the small ranch and it’s inhabitants: 3 majestic horses (my kids have always wanted to have horses,) 2 affectionate donkeys (who knew donkeys were so sweet?) and 2 rescue dogs who require lots of love and attention. Our hostess, Jane, loves her sustainably built home as much as her animals and refers to it as a living thing. What an honor for my family to be trusted to care for her ranch while she’s away.

Day 3:

Kiki was rescued from a hoarding situation. She spent years of her life in a small crate before Jane took the traumatized pup into her home. When I first met Jane via Skype, she held Kiki like a baby the whole time. I mentioned how much love she gave the little dog, and Jane said, “Oh no, she gives ME love!” It took Jane a long time to teach Kiki to go to the bathroom outside, but Kiki has never developed the habit of asking to be let out. It’s up to a human to pay attention to the clock and take her out every 2.5 – 3 hours.

So, the whole family can leave the property for a maximum of 3 hours to make sure that Kiki gets the consistency she needs to feel safe and cared for. Yesterday, we made the 30 min drive to Missoula for supplies. We stopped by Costco and then checked out Lucky’s Market. We’d made a quick stop at Fresh Market after we dropped Jane at Missoula’s airport on Friday and were not impressed. We all much preferred Lucky’s and agreed it would be our go to for food supply runs. In addition to a few days worth of groceries, we each picked a special treat for ourselves to take back to the ranch: Hubby grabbed an Octoberfest beer, I chose a bottle of pinot noir, the girl’s treat was some delicious sharp chedder cheese, and the boy opted for some toasted cinnamon squares (the first box of cold cereal I’ve purchased since having children.)

Day 4:

I love the unusual layout of this home. Jane is definitely an out of the box thinker and laughed as she told me how difficult it was for her architect to grasp her design requests. For one, Jane is not too concerned with privacy so there aren’t really “rooms” except for her dressing room and a storage room downstairs. The two toilets each have a tiny room that just fits the facilities–bidets on both and fans on timers.

Her husband passed away shortly after they moved here from their Colorado ranch and construction was never finished. There is a downstairs shower that is built into the wall between the laundry facilities and large utility sinks but no walls separating from the rest of the downstairs. She just recently had her upstairs shower installed though because of some communication issues with her contractors, it wasn’t finished until yesterday when my hubby connected the drain to the pipe.

We’ve used some clothes pins to put up a sheet, and while showering downstairs was an adventure, it’s nice to not have to notify everyone to avoid the downstairs and the stairwell when one wants to shower. And the kids are clean now too…

Road Money, Part One

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It was risky. The budget.

I had used this approach with the boy before. Over the last year, he and I have done several road trips. I would give us a daily budget that was intended for food and any activities—these trips usually involved visiting family or friends so were pretty budget friendly to begin with, but it’s still easy to over indulge when you’re on the road and not being careful about monitoring your spending, am I right? Especially the boy who has a limited palate and takes every opportunity to eat out…

So I would give us a daily trip allowance that we always shared. If we had a less expensive day, that money could roll over into the next day. We could even go over, but that would subtract from the overall budget. The incentive to stay within set spending limit was that I would give any remaining balance from the total budget to the boy at the end of the trip. The daily was really just a way to keep us on track.

I would collect the receipts throughout the day and each night, we’d go over what we’d spent and calculate whether we’d gone over or would carry a surplus into the next day, planning the next day’s meals/activities accordingly. Our most successful trip was when I gave us $20/day combined allowance for a two week trip and we managed to visit the aquarium in Lincoln City, OR, spend time in the Redwoods in N. California, eat out at several fun restaurants, and the boy still got $7 in cash at the end.

I decided to use this approach on this current trip with both kids (15yo girl; 12yo boy.) I was going to give us a combined total of $30/day, but when I told hubby this, he thought that was ridiculously low. (Mind you, the boy and I have survived on $15/day combined.) So I made sure we could afford it, then upped it to $60/day; $20 each. When I explained it to the girl, she had difficulty wrapping her head around how it worked and kind of scoffed at the amount.

When I told the boy the budget, he was elated! Already scheming ways we could pool our money some days to save overall. He had more experience with doing this whole roadtrip budget thing with me and assured his sister that $20/day each was a very generous allowance!  

Why was it risky? I’ve noticed that we have created a lack mindset in our family, and I’m working hard to overcome that and help my children shift to a lens of abundance. It’s not easy—especially since we do struggle some financially. I can contrast us to people who have so much less or seemingly nothing and know we have way more than enough, but shifting these kids who’ve heard, “we can’t afford it” their whole lives is super challenging.

As siblings, they struggle to get along anyway, and I feared that throwing in an individual rather than a shared budget might contribute to an ego-centric attitude when choosing how to spend, and it could get ugly. I really wasn’t sure which would work better, but thought it might get even uglier if they had to collaborate on every purchase.  

How did it turn out? You’ll have to return for Part Two on Thursday…

Canasta and Good Omens

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I was crossing my fingers. It was pretty late, and I was standing outside one of the guest rooms at my friends’ house trying to eavesdrop on the conversation happening behind that closed door. My two children were in that room, and my friend had just come found me to let me know she thought she heard my son crying. It’s hot in the house, and there are lots of fans going so I can’t really hear anything—just quiet voices; I don’t really want to hear the words, I just want to know it’s going well…

Earlier in the evening, we’d been invited to “game night” with a larger group of friends. The boy was totally in with me to learn their usual card game, Canasta, but my teen girl’s never really been one for games. She opted out. After the first of three hands, she decided to hang out near me and whisper in my ear every once in a while how terribly bored she was. Her irritation grew over the next 90ish minutes and two remaining hands and as we were wrapping up the night to leave, her little brother got the brunt of her mood.

In the car on the way back to our accommodations, the three of us squished in the back seat, I asked her if she wanted to watch the next episode of Good Omens, just the three of us—it’s my “go to” on this trip when we three need to bond, and I thought this might improve her mood. She nodded eagerly.

What I hadn’t anticipated was just how far she’d pushed her brother this night. He was NOT interested. Said we could go ahead without him. It broke my heart to hear the pain he was feeling over how she’d treated him. When she left the room, his composure collapsed and he cried, exhausted and broken from her continuous abuse.

I asked her to follow me into the room where I was sleeping and did my best to communicate what I saw happening. This is a conversation we’ve had many times, but after the last big conflict she and I had (read about it here: Lying to Ourselves,) the two of us seemed to break through a bit and she’d shared some tender feelings she has for her brother and a genuine concern for his wellbeing. I delicately reminded her of that conversation and asked her to go talk with him. It was risky and had the potential to go really wrong, but I hoped…

I went out to the quiet living room and was there when my friend came to tell me she thought my boy was crying. I listened at the door for a few minutes then softly knocked and opened the door. My girl was sitting on the floor near his bed and his face was wet with tears, and I couldn’t tell if it was going well or not. I asked if all was okay and she knitted her eyebrows, pursed her lips, and nodded quickly. I asked if I should leave and she nodded again, same expression on her face. I gently closed the door and went back to the living room, fingers still crossed.

Several minutes later they both came out and plopped into chairs. The girl grabbed the remote and informed me we were watching Good Omens. The energy had cleared. I didn’t ask any questions but my heart was filled with relief and love.

The following day felt SO much better. My kids are pretty cool. 

Roadtrip Day Two

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The Next Morning…

Only the boy joined me for the free (and quite good) hotel breakfast, and he didn’t eat much. A bowl of cereal (we don’t buy cereal at home so he eats it whenever it’s available) along with a yogurt. When he opened the yogurt, the whey spilled out onto his shorts and he left me (and the offensive yogurt) to go back up to the room and change.

The girl preferred to sleep than to eat. Everyone knew I wanted to hit the road early so we could make this last five hours of the trip before the heat hit triple digits. Once I returned from breakfast with the luggage cart, we (I) packed quickly and loaded the cart. The kids were at each other again the moment I woke the teen, and again, my responses were more reactive than measured and calm. I hurriedly scanned the room to make sure we weren’t leaving anything behind, feeling helpless to enlist any quality assistance from my kids.

They waited at the hotel entrance with the luggage cart (her hissing at him through clenched teeth to “Stop!” playing his ukulele) while I went to get the car and pull it around to load. I popped the hatch to set something down and realized the girl was at my side having abandoned her uke-playing brother to guard the cart on his own. I hit the button on the hatch door to close it and just as it latched shut, I uttered a desperate, “Noooo!” and put both my hands on the window.

I peered in through the hatch window and just as I feared, spotted my keys sitting there amid the few stray items we’d left in the car overnight. I tried the handle, hoping I’d unlocked the whole car and just didn’t remember. I hadn’t. I checked all the doors just to confirm what I already knew. I could feel the temper tantrum boiling up and out of me, ready to curse and stomp my feet, and then I thought of my girl, standing there at my side, absorbing my energy, more than ready to tantrum with me and miraculously, I pulled it together.

Funny, as I write these posts sometimes, I try to assess myself as a parent from the reader’s point of view, and I’m often disgusted. I have to say, these last couple years of parenting have really done a number on my ego. I realize how much I judged other parents. I am someone who’s spent years consciously developing myself as a person, moving through growth philosophies, putting in the effort to adopt practices of gratitude and self-care, and consistently being able to shift my lens and reframe a situation. But I’m telling you, parenting wears a person down. It reduces me to my pre-growth self more often than I like to admit.

We hadn’t used our AAA membership in years, and I didn’t have a card in my wallet. I panicked on the inside briefly as I tried to remember if we still maintained that membership. I called my husband who assured me we were still covered and who texted me the needed info. I placed the call, then calmly, even pleasantly, let the kids know the wait would take “only” 45 minutes at the most. The boy went back up to the room, and the girl stayed in the lobby with me.

Feeling true relief at how easy it was to remedy what initially seemed like a disaster, I cheerfully acknowledged this out loud to my daughter while she sipped the glass of grapefruit juice I’d fetched for her from the breakfast buffet. Her energy shifted along with mine (albeit briefly) and she even helped her brother pick up the thirty or so round, bouncy ammo balls that spilled from his Nerf gun when he pulled it out of the recently unlocked hatch (Love AAA!!) to make room for the luggage. He didn’t think it was funny, but it was hard not to laugh as the little yellow balls bounced all over and in every direction of the covered entrance to the hotel. We eventually retrieved every ball.

Once in the car and on the road, when I held out my hand and demanded their earbuds, the cranky resistance returned. If you missed the back story, here’s Day One when I had resolved to “fight this battle.” This day I could reframe it as “hold this boundary.” I mean, really, are the war metaphors really helpful?! I offered several alternatives to isolated listening including all of us sharing a podcast of their choice, but the girl continued to resist for the first two hours. Her brother and I visited quietly while she tried to sleep. Eventually, after she finally decided to grab a bite to eat (Whew!), she suggested The Adventure Zone podcast.

Both the kids have been listening to this Dungeons & Dragons podcast on their own; she’s completely caught up on the latest campaign, but we jumped in where her brother is in the episode sequence, near the end of the first campaign. I had to be filled in on lots of back story and it took me almost two episodes to feel like I had a clue what was happening, but I did eventually find myself caught up in the plotline. So much so that we had to circle a bit after arriving to our ultimate destination so that we could finish a compelling story arc as we wrapped up this part of our road trip.